Crossroads

I thought I have dealt with my crossroad issue already. Since the beginning of April, I already had resolved to go back to Malaysia to do the CLP and decided not to try for clearing at all. This was because after a long and hard period of thinking, I tabulated that the cost of studying CLP in Malaysia is approximately 1/10 of that from the BPTC. The difference is vast because it would either leave a RM50000 spare change in the bank or leave the account RM50000 poorer, even after calculating the cost of the cheaper offer from Manchester. Mama pointed out that she'll be able to pull through without incurring any sort of debts. In fact, she encouraged me to try for it. But in the long period of thinking, I just contemplated on the level of finances after the BPTC period is done. It's not a question of whether I can afford it because the money is there. It's a question of the state of finances after it's all done and how long it will take to recover. RM 50k is alot of money and there are so many things that one can buy with it. A new car, downpayment for a new base in Malaysia, a new desktop - so many choices. I believe that God provides but at the same time, he gives us the wisdom to discern on whether it is a worthwhile investment to make. After deliberation, I decided affirmatively that I want Mama to live comfortably and for me to have a better headstart in crafting my own empire in Malaysia instead. And as I thought more about it, the more convinced that I should be going home instead. The thought of going back to serving actively in the church community, driving, playing drums, mamak, having good food with friends and the opportunity to make more new friends and widen my networking circle in Malaysia and the local legal fraternity gives me a good future to look forward to. I was all set then to balik kampung to Malaysia.

It would just have been okay if things are just left like that. The ball was never in my court anyways. I never received an offer. So that should just be the way it is since there's only one way for me to go. BUT, here's another twist to this episode in Stan's life. I went down today to open the letterbox and guess what came through the mail. A FULL-TIME offer for BPTC at Manchester Met! I should have been happy right? But no, it got me even more flustered and frustrated. I had a small tussle with God and the first thought that went through my mind was ,"You should have given it to me when I'm up for it!". If the offer had came within the 8th of March as it should, I would have accepted it without thinking twice. But this window period of delay had got me thinking again and to clear my thoughts. And now the ball is back in my court again - I actually HAVE to make a CHOICE. So, it goes without saying that I'm back at the crossroad again with the offer. Now I have to admit I'm really really really tempted to say yes. The prospects of living 15 minutes away from Old Trafford the Theatre of Dreams and also nearby to the rock concert events (not to mention another year of opportunity to attend even more rock concerts) is everything I've ever wished or dream for. It was the ideal sort of setting that I would like for my subsequent year of qualifying exams to be a lawyer. A Barrister title and a chance to experience life in Manchester. Wow. It got me wide-eyed for a moment.

Sigh. Why can't life be simpler and less complicated? Why can't I have a scholarship to solve my problems? If I have extra money to burn without jeopardizing my family, I would have also clicked yes right away even if the offer had came late. Was it God's indication that He wanted me to stay with the offer? These questions just kept running around for a while.
Dreams sometimes have to give way to immediate practical concerns. Harsh, but I have to remind myself that I'm not born with a silver spoon. I can't be selfish. I need to think about Mama and all the hard work that she's put in for the RM50k. I need to make sure that whatever hopes that she has placed on me is wisely invested and spent.

And then I thought of what could be God's reason for delaying the offer in the first place? Surely there must be something He wanted me to know or realise. And what I did realise was that God knew that I sometimes bull-charge in some of my decisions. He needed me to have the time to think of what He had perhaps in store for me in the future if I pick to do CLP. And I can see how generous He is too - It was never His intention to close any doors. He knew what was in my heart, he knew that I want situations where I can make my own choice and so that was why He still send along the offer too after I had made up my mind. He had given me clues on which place is better in helping me to multiply the talents that He has given me but he would always give me the choice to pick in the end.

I had not booked any flight ticket home yet. The thought of this is immense - With a click of the mouse I can decide and cause a ripple effect of who I will meet or know in the future. It's just like choosing between Inti or Help college to study law, or to go to Uni of Liverpool for the scholarship or adhere to my strongly-felt choice of Uni of Leeds. If I had chosen the Help path or Liverpool path, I may never have the chance to meet some of the people that I know now. Of course, in choosing the path that I have now, there will be some people in Help or Liverpool which I'm never fated to meet. It's really interesting to think about the people who cross paths in your life just merely by the decisions you make. It's the little things like the decision to miss a social gathering or the decision to go for a function.

Anyways, before I get diverted into the exploration of mysterious concepts and ideas, I would say that I would most probably not take up the BPTC offer for the reasons I have considered in the first place. I will stick to the decision I had made in April and at the same time, trust in Him that He will make it a blessed journey till the end of the road. Well, that should settle any lingering doubts. Now back to dissertation.